What the Fuck is Borderline Personality Disorder?
If you don’t have life realisations while you're chatting to your hairdresser, then you need another hairdresser. Yesterday, while I was getting my hair done and chatting to my own hairdresser I realised I don’t really understand borderline personality disorder.
I was diagnosed with BPD a couple of months ago, but since then I haven’t made any effort to understand that diagnosis. I put it on Instagram, that I was diagnosed with it, and then I shoved it to the back of my head. I think I found it confronting that I went from anxiety and depression to an official diagnosis of major depressive disorder, general anxiety disorder, borderline personality disorder and attention deficit hyperactive disorder. It’s a big leap from two to four.
Perhaps I found some comfort in my mental illness being confined to two illnesses that I felt I could somewhat manage. So, to add another two mental illnesses to that, it scared me slightly. Why couldn’t I just be normal? At the time of that diagnosis I was also dealing with grief and sadness, so, shoving that to the back was the best thing for me. I needed to deal with those feelings before I could even think about myself and this diagnosis.
The other factor in the reasoning behind me not wanting to know more about BPD, is that it is less socially accepted than having depression or anxiety. We have done so much work as a society to ensure that people feel more comfortable talking about their mental health, but I feel we have only stretched that to cover certain mental illnesses. It is like we can deal with some, but don’t want to know about others. Did you know it was Borderline Personality Disorder Awareness Week last week? No, neither did I. I didn’t see one post on social media about it, not in the same way that you would see posts about depression and anxiety.
Now that I have had time to process the feelings of grief and sadness, it feels like a better time to dive deeper into borderline personality disorder. AND of course, it only felt right to write an article about it as I go into more understanding.
I’m writing this as I read through Google results and I will be 100% honest right now- I am SO anxious about what I am about to read and relate to myself. The tightness in my chest is almost enough to make me scrap this article and head back into a state of being blissfully unaware. Another bit of honesty- I keep scrolling through Google results too scared to click on anything, I’m up to page 7.
What is borderline personality disorder?
According to BPD Australia, borderline personality disorder affects between 2 - 6% of Australians and is thought to be more common in females. This mental health disorder affects peoples thoughts, emotions and behaviours, making it difficult to deal with all areas of life. But, so do all mental illnesses- they affect people in different ways, but also in the same way.
BPD is quite misunderstood and not typically publicised as much as some other mental illnesses, and distressing for both the sufferer and the people around them. A person with BPD has an abnormally distorted view of both themselves and the greater world around them. This makes me question some things.
What are the symptoms of BPD?
For this section I have gotten the symptoms from Health Direct, a division of the health department of the Australian Government. In other words, trustworthy. Symptoms or traits of borderline personality disorder can include:
Feeling empty inside
Low self esteem
These two symptoms are things that I have always associated with my depression. Although, I do very well to hide my dislike of myself. But, it does often show up in other ways like constantly comparing myself to other people, not being able to ask for what I need, constant worry and self doubt, fear of failure, people pleasing and never being able to set boundaries. All things that come up when you Google “signs of low self esteem”. Because I did search that to see if it was me. Apparently it is.
Strong, overwhelming emotions and feelings
Intense mood swings including outbursts of anxiety, anger and depression.
Since starting mood stabilising medication outbursts and mood swings have dramatically reduced. BUT when I wasn’t on this medication I found myself constantly switching between one of these and being fine. I could not control myself, my anger especially. It was like one small inconvenience would set off this uncontrollable anger that would subside after a quick outburst. It was one of the main reasons I went back to a psychiatrist this year, it was affecting not only me, but the people around me.
A pattern of tumultuous relationships with friends, family and loved ones.
I raised my eyebrows here because I feel like my relationships are not tumultuous, I even Googled “what is a tumultuous relationship” to be sure.
Alternating between idealising and devaluing other people.
Another thing I have Googled to understand better. Now that I do, I do wonder if this is something I do? I find myself going quite easily from liking someone to disliking them, very fast. I do think I see people as good or bad and how I feel and act towards them is based on that.
Fear of being alone and frantic attempts to avoid abandonment.
This was something that I displayed in the earlier years of my relationship, but it has improved quite a lot. In fact, sometimes I would rather be by myself.
Unstable and distorted self image or sense of self.
If you ask me this is not me, if you were to ask my partner or my family they would probably disagree.
Feeling neglected, alone, misunderstood, chronically empty or bored.
Oh wow, okay. This one hit me like a truck. I constantly feel neglected and underappreciated in life, like I go overboard for people only to not have it reciprocated. I get mad at myself for feeling empty, because it is almost a constant feeling of emptiness. I feel like I should not have that hollow pit of emptiness in my stomach all the time. I should feel something.
Feelings of self loathing or self hate.
Self harm as a coping mechanism.
I always considered self harm to be cutting and nothing else, at least that is what I would tell myself. But after discussions with my psych I now have a deeper understanding of self harm and the different ways I actually do harm myself. It is never cutting, I mean, it used to be when I was in high school, but I haven’t cut myself since then. I cause harm to myself when I am overwhelmed and feel like I have no control anymore. The only release I find in that moment is to make myself physically feel.
Suicidal thoughts or suicide attempts.
Impulsive and risk taking behaviour.
This is not something I do anymore, but at some of the deepest points of my depression I did display these behaviours- drug use, reckless spending mainly.
Black and white thinking or difficulty compromising.
Oh okay, this is quite a me thing. I don’t do well with middle ground, is there such a thing? I often will get stuck in thought processes such as its either your number one, or your last, there is no in between. Compromising is also not a thing I am good at, just ask Brodie.
Paranoid thoughts in response to stress
Okay look, this has always been a trait of mine, but something that I struggle with, medicated or not. I often catch myself in catastrophising thoughts and then I think that over and over again. I get worried that I am going to manifest that situation.
Feeling cut off and out of touch with reality.
This was something else I Googled because I wasn’t sure I understood. I definitely don’t feel like the world around me is not real, which was at one end of the scale. At the other end was a constant feeling that something was off or not right. Which I do identify with, I often feel like something is off but I can’t describe what it is or how it is off.
What causes borderline personality disorder?
I almost didn’t even want to put this topic in here because I know all too well that there is often not a simple reason someone has a mental illness, as much as some people would like to be able to say “this is the exact reason I have ________”. BUT I do know that people who don’t understand mental illness might be asking the question, so here we are.
These are some factors that might contribute to having borderline personality disorder:
Having another mental health condition;
Being very sensitive
OH this one is me. I learnt very early to put up a huge front like nothing can touch me, nothing hurts my feelings at all. Truth is I am a hugely sensitive person and often find myself feeling too much for other people, too much of their feelings.
Suffering abuse or neglect in childhood.
A stressful event or relationship breakup.
Two things I don’t relate too.
Diagnosis
There is no borderline personality test that will give you a yes or no answer, which is good because I couldn’t think of doing one. It could take a while to get a diagnosis of BPD because your health professional does need to get to know you better first, they need to do a full mental health assessment, of which I have had plenty.
According to Health Direct (again), you need to have at least five of the following to be diagnosed with BPD.
Frantic efforts to avoid real or imaginary abandonment.
Consistently intense and unstable relationships with other people, alternating between idealising them and devaluing them.
Persistently distorted self-image or sense of self.
At least two impulsive behaviours that are potentially self-damaging.
Ongoing self harming behaviour, suicidal or threats.
Intense feelings lasting hours to days.
Long-term, chronic feelings of emptiness.
Difficulty controlling intense and inappropriate anger.
Feeling disconnected from reality, or having paranoid thoughts.
You also need to have had these symptoms for one year or longer.
At the end of writing this I feel like I understand my diagnosis a little bit better than I did before. I see the symptoms, but I also feel like all my traits and behaviours are one big muddle of symptoms. Like I have all these different things going on and they could be attributed to any of my mental illnesses.
I also see a need to be more open about BPD and to raise more awareness of the mental illness. It’s obviously misunderstood, or not understood at all, and still considered taboo in the mental illness realm.
