What a Depressive Episode Looks Like (for me)
As someone who has struggled with their mental health for ten-ish years, I've had my fair share of depressive episodes, and currently, I'm in one. My depressive episodes have been getting closer together, but that's a story for my psych. Depressive episodes, like all mental illnesses, look different for everyone, so this is just how a depressive episode has been looking for me lately.
IT GETS HARDER AND HARDER TO GET OUT OF BED IN THE MORNINGS
Obviously having a child makes it difficult to stay in bed all day, but it doesn't make the physical act of getting out of bed any easier. I can tell you for sure that if I didn't have a child, I'd be spending all day in bed. At the moment, we're having very slow mornings. I'm talking barely able to function until around lunchtime.
I FEEL SAD BUT CAN’T TELL YOU WHY
I can't tell you why because I don't know. It feels like I can't be happy like I've forgotten how to be happy. My mood is consistently low, sometimes I feel worthless, and sometimes I feel guilty. I feel like I am failing at being a mother, a partner, a business owner, everything, a human being.
I’M TIRED BUT CAN’T SLEEP
AND when I actually do get to sleep, I have weird, somewhat disturbing dreams. I wake up feeling exhausted because I've spent my "sleep" living in an alternate reality that doesn't make sense. I've had dreams that include people I know personally, people that I haven't given a thought to in YEARS, I even had a dream with some AFL players in it.. what's more, they were from a team I don't even like. No matter what time I go to bed, I'll lay there for hours, just wishing for sleep to overcome me.
I’M NOT HUNGRY
This isn't a new thing, since being on ADHD medication I struggle with three meals a day. But, during a depressive episode, I find myself reverting to my binge-eating tendencies. I struggle to get full meals down, but a spoonful of Nutella? No worries. It's not unusual for me to eat a small tub of the stuff throughout the day, but barely eat an ACTUAL meal.
I CAN’T CONCENTRATE
Even with my ADHD medication, I struggle to get things done. You'll always find my client work done because I value my reputation as a businesswoman, BUT I struggle to do more than that. You'll notice it in TIA posts. I can go from posting consistent updates three times a day to not posting for weeks on end.
I CANCEL APPOINTMENTS
When I am in a depressive episode you'll catch me cancelling appointments that I've had scheduled for weeks. I just can't bring myself to go. I don't mean to be a nuisance to the people that I am cancelling on, it's just bloody hard.
I WONDER WHAT PEOPLE’S LIVES WOULD BE LIKE WITHOUT ME
Believe me, when I say that I won't kill myself, I would never go through with it. I would never do that to my child, to my partner, to my family. I've had friends do it, I've seen what happens, I couldn't do it. BUT I do let myself wonder about what life would be like if I didn't exist. If I just stopped existing, stopped being alive.
This a reminder that depressive episodes, and further, mental illness looks different for everyone. While a depressive episode looks like this for me, most of the time, it is probably going to look different for someone else.
